One of the most difficult aspects of balancing life involves prioritizing the various parts: professional, personal, family, spiritual, emotional, recreational, etc. What happens when a mismatch develops between one or more aspects of your life?
This can occur when you become a Christian while a close family member does not become a believer. Right away, this creates discord, forcing you to choose between two areas (spiritual and personal/family). Biblically, God should always win out (the disciples left their families and their careers as fishermen to follow Jesus). But, realistically, we need a way to reconcile this pull in opposite directions.
This is particularly true if the unbelieving family member is your spouse.
For Christian husbands, trying to take the role of spiritual leader of the household can be a real challenge when your wife is not saved. She may resist your attempts to bring the family together in prayer or worship, or she may misunderstand your spiritual guidance (as dictated by Scripture) as trying to control her.
For Christian wives, trying to follow your husband’s guidance creates conflict, especially when his decisions are unbiblical. God tells you to love, honor, and obey your husband. What do you do when his leadership threatens to lead you astray?
God tells us not to leave an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Divorce is clearly not biblical, and you obviously love your husband or wife (the qualities that led you to marry this person remain, even if some of your values have changed since you’ve become a Christian). Even further, God may have placed you in this situation to help your spouse come to Christ.
What, then, are we to do? How do we walk the line between two worlds?
The answer is that we cannot. We need to commit fully to God first, THEN work on our marriage and spouse. We need to pray for our spouse, for God to work in him or her. But we cannot wait, never accomplishing anything for God’s glory, until our loved one comes to Christ. We have no idea what God’s plan is, how long He may make our spouse wait, or for what reason. Do you really want to halt God’s plan for you to wait for him to work in your husband or wife?
No matter what is going on in your marriage, you need to put God first. You need to accomplish the tasks God has called you to complete. Sadly, at times, this could mean distancing yourself from your spouse (as a form of spiritual self-preservation). Otherwise, you could get pulled into a worldly lifestyle and stop following the goals God has asked you to pursue in life.
In Old Testament times, God literally commanded his people not to associate with certain ungodly peoples. In New Testament times, Jesus literally asked some of his followers to leave their families. This command was not out of cruelty, it was because God knew His disciples could not accomplish His will as long as they remained influenced by the world. He knew (as we know today) that what you spend your time on and who you spend your time with becomes your focus. He knew that any focus other than God divides your attention (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
God wants our focus to be on HIM first! Once we place our focus on Him and hold steadfast in our path, then we can walk that path with other people.
So, what do we do once we have placed our focus on God? How, then, do we work on our marriage? How do we relate to a spouse with such disparate beliefs from our own?
The number one way to relate is with love! Always think of what God would want you to do or say in every situation, and consider your spouse’s feelings. Putting others first is the Godly way, and we should do the same with our spouses (even though that is often much more difficult!).
With love as your driving force behind all thoughts and deeds, here are some practical tips to try:
1. Set boundaries of respect (going both ways).
Your spouse should respect your prayer and worship time and not try to purposely thwart that. Speak with him or her about this in a loving way. On the other hand, you need to respect your spouse’s choice and not try to convert him/her every moment. Allow God to work in your spouse. Show him/her how God works through you. Stop trying to force God upon your loved one, and stop blaming yourself for him or her not being saved.
2. Set a Christian example.
As a Christian, you need to work on our own spiritual journey and let your spouse see that (rather than always trying to work on him/her). Instead of trying to get your spouse to follow you, make sure you join a good church with loving people who support you. Your spouse will see how those relationships sustain you, and he or she will also want that same kind of support and unconditional love. Your spouse will also see how you treat him/her in all situations and will realize the love coming from you is from God.
3. Try to include your spouse and other family members in safe ways.
Your spouse may not want to attend church, but maybe he or she would be open to praying at home occasionally, saying grace before meals, watching Christian television programs, listening to Gospel music, or reading inspirational books. You can also still pray and worship with your children, teaching them God’s ways, even if one spouse holds different beliefs.
4. Be the first to reconcile during times of conflict.
The Christian thing is for the believing spouse to take the first step toward improving any issues in the marital relationship. It is difficult, though, because we are all human, and even Christians can feel resentful over feeling like they are always the one giving (even if that is often the way it is supposed to be). In an argument, try to see the other’s point of view, and respond in a loving way, not a confrontational or defensive way.
5. Have fun in your marriage.
Just because you differ in your spiritual beliefs (which is a huge deal, I’m not minimizing that) does not mean you can’t still have fun together as husband and wife! There are many activities you can share that will help you grow closer while not compromising your values. Go to the movies, attend a baseball game, go horseback riding. If your spouse has hobbies you believe are unbiblical, don’t try to preach at him/her about it. Just quietly and firmly refuse to participate, let him/her go on his/her way, and you do something that does fit your values (you can also take that time to pray for your spouse).
6. Don’t blame your spouse (or God or yourself).
God has reasons for not bringing that person to Him yet. We must trust in God’s timing, not grow angry with God for not saving your spouse yet, or with your spouse for not opening his eyes, or with yourself for not being able to convert him/her. It is not your responsibility; it is God’s. You can merely set a good example and love the person.
During a session of centering prayer a few weeks ago (a fellowship meeting where we focused on the forgiveness prayer), I suddenly realized that I was angry with my husband for not being saved! I knew I had wanted him to be saved, and I knew I blamed every little argument on that, but I didn’t realize I was actually ANGRY with him about it. For not taking the final step from believing in God (agnostic) to trusting in Jesus. God helped me see that I need to get past that anger, hurt, and resentment and display unconditional love.
These same steps can also be applied when the unbelieving family member is someone other than your spouse (with variations based on the relationship and age of the person). As long as your actions are guided by love — in both God and the people around you, as Jesus tells us are the two greatest commandments (Matthew 22:36-40, Mark 12:29-31, Luke 10:25-37) — then you will do the right thing. And, when you do make mistakes, as we all do, just try again.
Allow yourself to be guided by love and by God, and your relationships with loved ones will be positive — even when looking at life through different spiritual lenses. Even further, your loving example may help soften your loved one to God’s message of salvation and everlasting life.
Recently I was reading 1 Peter 3:1-12, and usually I cringe at submission passages, especially the way that they are exploited to control the church. However when I looked at the passage again I saw that the women-submission was in the context of the two other submissions mentioned just above, namely “citizens to their rulers” and “slaves to their masters”. Again I cringed, because it suggested gender hierarchy, which I’m not too positively inclined towards. Anyway… what I saw eventually was that… the passage suggests unjust treatment (and also the context of unbelievers so that you can win them for Christ).
Submit to a king, even if he is evil (by implication, ie. don’t get punished for doing wrong). Then, slave must submit to the master, even to lead the master to Christ. And, wives, submit to your unbelieving husbands, so that you can win him to Christ.
I found this extremely counter cultural, especially for today, for I found it hard to imagine in the context of women married to ‘bad’ unbelieving husbands, the wives were asked to submit to their wives to lead them to Christ.
Now for that kind of submission, one needs the Holy Spirit, nothing less!
And I guess this passage offers an interesting take on your own concern for living with “unbelievers”.
Thank you for your comments, N. Ay. K.! They give me a lot to think about.
Something you said reminded me of Joseph’s situation, how, out of jealousy, his brothers sold him (Genesis 37), and he ended up as a slave to Pharaoh in Egypt. Yet, he grew to be a trusted advisor to the Pharaoh (Genesis 37). It was his faith in God AND his submission to his ruler (obeying the laws) that led to his blessings.
In every situation (even in prison, Genesis 37), God gave Joseph responsibility over others (leadership roles so that he could show his faith to other). Eventually, Joseph was put in charge of the whole land of Egypt (Genesis 41), and the dreams God sent to him helped people. When Joseph saw his brothers again, he forgave them (Genesis 45), despite how they had wronged him (and even though he now had the power to destroy them if he so chose).
It appears that Joseph brought others to him by being faithful to God AND by submitting to authority (that both were important) — and he eventually gained more authority himself (and was a kind, gentle, fair, and wise leader, probably from his time experiencing submission; he could relate to those below him).
This also gets into something I talk more about in my book (one “apparent contradiction” of being humble, yet speaking boldly). God clearly calls us to be humble (Matthew 23:12, Matthew 18:4, Matthew 5:1-11, and others). But, he also wants us to speak boldly about what He has done for us and through us (1 Corinthians 1:26-31, 2 Corinthians 1:12-14, and others). I think we can accomplish BOTH while obeying earthly rulers (and setting good examples for others in the world).
The word “submission” has such negative connotations, especially in today’s society (I think that’s why so many people turn away from God — because modern societal “norms” have made biblical lessons seem out-dated or even wrong).
But, maybe we should just think of submitting as being humble (which is a much more positive term, even though society today doesn’t place much value on it).
I continue to find myself confused over how to live with an unbeliever. All we can do is try. I don’t think we will ever fully understand all of God’s mysteries until we are with Him in Heaven. We can just try to sort it all out, try to figure out what God wants us to do (by listening to Him and remaining open), and then live the way God asks us. I doubt any of us can get it “right,” but we sure can keep trying! Running the race…
Yes, you are right, ONLY through the guidance of the Holy Spirit can we accomplish any of this! I can tell when I am not acting in the Spirit. Those are the times I snap at my husband. Even when I feel I have truly been wronged, God calls on me to be kind and to be the one who is understanding. That’s hard to do in a marriage (and impossible to do all the time since we are human). Even harder when you fear that your husband’s actions could be against God (although, typically, it’s nothing that “dramatic” — the problem is that Jesus tells us, if you are not with me, you are against me (Matthew 12:30)). In a marriage, it really makes you feel you are walking a line, torn between God and your husband (and how God tells you to be as a wife). It truly is a mystery (isn’t any marriage, LOL?).
I hope the “tips” in my post can help people, but the truth is it’s difficult.
You write above, “When Joseph saw his brothers again, he forgave them (Genesis 45), despite how they had wronged him (and even though he now had the power to destroy them if he so chose).”
This is a gross oversimplification of what actually happened. When he saw his brothers he actually falsly accussed them, thew them in jail, spoke harshly to them, and threatened them so much so that they were not willing to go back to him, but rather starve to death and also leave one of their brothers to die in prison. Later Joseph plants evidence on them. If I did all these things to you would you say that “I forgave you”. Read the Bible Text. Forgiveness wasn’t given until Joseph saw a change – repentance – on their part. Your statement above is a gross oversimplfication of what happened that is often misunderstood in the Bible and puts false guilt on people because we don’t so “easily forgive as Joseph did”. There is alot more to the text and its a beautiful story of forgiveness but it needs to be properly understood.